Monday, 13 July 2015
My Writing Guilt
I have been plagued by so much guilt because I just felt I couldn't give my all. Writing about film didn't even seem to be about expressing my own personal experience, it was just about filling quota. I understand that for publications you do have to concentrate more on the technical aspects, which I do briefly explore, but there's a difference between what I do, and what these factory workers do; I explore human emotion, and experience. Watching a film, whether it's with friends or by yourself is an experience, not just a way to pass the time. It is about being more thorough with your film journey and finding things within yourself that you didn't think could exist. Film is learning about yourself, finding elements that you gravitate towards more, as well as opening new doors.
Anybody can be a film critic, and anybody can be a film lover, but I believe not everyone can write about film with raw emotion. In my eyes it all looks a little contrived. I have written for a couple of sites in the past, and have been told they 'own' my work and therefore can't use it on my own personal blog which is non-profit. No one owns my words. If I was being paid by any of these sites then I could understand. But we know it all comes down to site traffic. I am not saying that my work is amazing, because it isn't. But I believe my words are honest, and my thoughts are organic and mine alone. They are not glossy, fake and empty. Why does everyone strive to be the same? Why do people accept mediocrity as greatness? Just because a lot of writers express themselves in a way that reads like they swallowed the dictionary, it doesn't mean there is any more emotional credibility in what they are saying. When I read reviews, discussing aspects like cinematography it doesn't make me want to watch the movie, instead it turns me off it. But every now and again I will read a review that discusses ideas, passion and experience, and those are the elements I look for when I need film recommendations
Bit by bit, I am trying to restore my confidence. I miss the days where I would take a week to write an article, and stay up late to make sure the finishing touches were just right.I miss being emotionally and physically exhausted when I put in everything I had into an article; I actually felt proud of myself and my work. I miss the process of dissecting scenes and gutting them of all their brutality, and rawness and conveying them with my words, I hope one day I can experience those processes again; it made me happy.